The majority of the work this week was dealing with paper. Piles and boxes of it. Things that should have been dealt with long ago, but were put in boxes, labeled and stored away to be organized and filed at a later date. While working through these papers an odd thing happened. I regressed emotionally. Has this ever happened to you?
It started with the items I found from 2007. That was the year my father passed away. I found cards and notes he had written me. I read through the planner used to keep track of all the things the doctor was saying, notes on questions to ask the nurses, info on the medicines he would need, the rehab instructions for when he returned home.
Then I came across cards from my grandmother (dad's mom). My father did not have a close relationship with his family and as a result neither did we. Whenever we were around them there was this "outsider" feeling that was very strong. My uncle, aunt and cousins were treated in much higher regard and the difference was very apparent. I didn't notice these differences until adulthood. It can throw you for a loop when you realize your childhood experiences were a little different than you imagined.
Next I found a journal from 14 years ago. At the time I was contemplating a career change and desperately wanting to connect with the creative side of myself. The writings described a young woman struggling with the hollow feelings of not knowing what to do next and the sadness of not being in her calling. This was interesting...because I'm exactly where that woman of 14 years ago was so craving to be.
The last thing that brought forth extreme emotion was the rough draft of a letter written to my Mother's mom. Grandmother was my heart and one of my best friends. Hearing her voice, holding her hand and sharing the desires of my heart with her is greatly missed. She had the beautiful ability to just be in a room and lighten the energy with her very presence. Grandmother was one of the few who saw the real me - she got me (: She was wise, gracious, fun, joyful...and I love her so.
It's interesting how God gives us the time we need to heal. Things that might have sent us over the edge years ago can later be looked at with an objective eye. Sometimes it's good to reflect on things that have long healed because we need to see how far we've come. We need to see how God has worked in our lives. That woven tapestry of many hurts, losses, joys, great expectations, they all make a complete work of art. If one thread was missing, the tapestry would not be the same.
So today, I am thankful for past hurts, dreams shattered only to be rebuilt, for new friends and old friends, and the new found inspirations that cause my spirit to soar. For all of these blessings have helped me to grow into the confident woman that I have become. If one thread was missing from this journey, I would not be the same...and the journey is getting more exciting by the day (:
So if there are papers and boxes and bins that are sitting in the dark corners of your home, bring them out in the light of day and go through them. You may be surprised at how far you've come on your own journey (:
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